Bullying has become a front and center topic around the globe. It began to make headlines with the advent of social media—bullies were given a platform and a microphone without boundaries.
Bullying has been a problem long before social media.
It happens Every. Single. Day. In microdoses during family conversations, in conference rooms, in schools, at dinner parties and just about anywhere people interact.
I am deeply saddened by all the bullying I observe.
Even worse, if I am being honest, I have been a bully in more than a few scenarios in my life—past and present.
I am not going to let that be my future.
And, just as I will no longer be a bully, I will no longer be the victim of bullying.
How to Spot a Bully
A bully . . .
There are obvious bullies—the ones that tease the small kid on the playground or push the kid with braces into the dirt.
There are the ones that troll social media with a fake name and avatar for their profile picture. There are the ones that stand on a pulpit and talk down, casting judgement and spewing insults.
There are the ones that blow up a meeting with a “creative” line of questioning that plants seeds of doubt and aims to humiliate and belittle.
There are others that hide behind sarcasm, attacking its prey with a “joke” that evokes laughter from a crowd but substantially demeans its target.
Men are bullies. Women are bullies.
Girls are bullies. Boys are bullies.
What I have observed is that many times these bullies are attempting to make up for their own shortcomings by attempting to cast light on the shortcomings of someone else. Or they want something but since they cannot have it, they will make damn certain no one else will either.
No wonder the world is a pressure cooker of depression and anxiety.
What to do About the Bullies
Step one is to be in control of your own mind.
In the blog, The Gap and The Resistance, I talk about mindset and meditation. These are pillars for dealing with bullies day in and day out—because they are everywhere.
While I am still in the midst of struggle—I was bullied hardcore this week—I am handling the bullies better than I ever have in the last 20 years.
Instead of getting anxious and angry (to understand my reactions in the past, read the blog about The Anxiety Epidemic), I continued to talk about solutions to the problem—all of which were not things I had control over. The mistake I have made this week; however, is that I am still ruminating on those conversations.
Why should I let those people, and their criticism ruin my weekend?
I keep thinking about what I should have said. But you know what? That is the old me.
The old me would have launched an attack right back during the meeting because when I stepped back and looked at the scenario, what I was being told, and how I reacted—I did the right thing. And all that criticism is really about their shortcomings and shifting blame.
Of course, these tactics work in the boardroom but how do they play out at a family dinner? Or on the playground?
Recently, I observed bullying at a dinner party. I was not the target of the attack, but I continued to observe covert bullying over and over again. I was really impressed with how the individual who was the target of the attack handled it. She had compassion for her attacker and did not react in the moment. Later, I came to her and applauded how she handled the situation. Much like me, she knew why this individual was acting the way that she was—a situation that won’t be resolved by schooling in courtesy or leadership. The wounds and the cause go much deeper.
There are times, however, when we don’t know why the attacker is acting as they are or what may be going on in their lives or happened in the past to lead them to act as they do or are. How should you respond?
With compassion.
Easier said than done.
That is where the mindset and meditation come in.
The Practice of Meditation for Strong Mindset
I used to think that meditation was a bunch of baloney. Quite literally, I believed it was a loss of productive time.
I am finding many people take this stance.
Let me tell you, meditation is 1) very productive and 2) only works if you do it right.
Meditation is quite literally practice for living the life that you want. You cannot achieve the mindset that it takes to overcome bullying—even if you handle it right in the moment—if you don’t practice meditation.
Remember that thing I said about ruminating? Now that is a waste of productive time.
As I said, I am still a novice meditator and, since we’re being honest, I skip meditation sessions way too often. That was my revelation this morning—God said, “Stop skipping your meditations.” Actually, He told me this all week. I got two in a row in—yesterday and today—WOW! What a difference!
Whatever you believe, connecting in complete stillness is paramount to knowing and living your purpose and reaching your goals. It is essential to overcome the bullies.
The bullies are the resistance. The bullies keep you in the gap.
You must leverage your mindset to keep yourself from being a victim of the bullies. Meditation is how you teach your mind to always be in control.
It is how you train to stop anxiety. It is how you train to rise above depression. It is how you train to crush fear and self-doubt.
When you don’t control your mind, all those aforementioned feelings cause a response in your body. This response takes hold of your being and leads to physical pain, disease, and destruction of you and the life you want.
You can’t respond with compassion when your mindset is not right. Without practice, the right response will not be autonomic.
Sneak Peek: My Meditation Journey
Set Boundaries
Compassion is the right tactic when you must endure a situation or person—when there is no escape.
You don’t have to subject yourself to abuse either. When you set strong boundaries, you can often block and tackle a bully. It is hard to bully someone when you cannot be reached.
Setting boundaries can take many forms. It may mean taking a step back from the amount of time you spend with a person. It might mean protecting your time and saying no. It may mean setting certain conversations as off limits. It may mean blocking the trolls on your social media profile or turning off comments on your blog. It may mean walking away from someone or something entirely.
Boundaries are vital for everyone. You don’t always have to say yes. You don’t always have to grin and bear it. These are lies you are told from a very young age—especially women.
Let Go of Fear
Do not be afraid, for thou art with me. Psalm 23:4
I find myself rehearsing the Lord’s Prayer a lot these days. I have let fear, anger, frustration, and anxiety control my life for too long.
I have allowed myself to be a victim of bullying and, in turn, I have bullied others
For me, it stops here.
God is with me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
Respond with compassion.
Avoid judgement.
Set boundaries.
Don’t ruminate.
This is how we all stop bullying.
