In life, more often than not, many of us cling to the desire to be right or at least be vindicated when we call the shot and it becomes reality. This can be a dangerous need, especially in leadership. Here’s what to do about it.
Across my career and even more likely my lifetime, I can recall thousands of moments when my eyes went wide with surprise when a friend, colleague or even a leader proudly announced something that I knew to be categorically untrue based on prior conversations or even documented literature (and, let’s be real, I’ve probably done it too–can anyone account for everything that has come out of their mouth?).
This deviation from reality would frustrate me to my very core. In the past, I would feel compelled to right the wrong with lengthy emails, overexplanation in a meeting or excessive diatribes among my peer groups.
What a waste of energy.
Today, when this happens, I hear the term “gaslighting” thrown around loosely. In manipulative practice, for sure, it’s gaslighting–we’ve all seen enough of those documentaries where people manipulate and control others with audacious lies that stack up and up and up until they ruin the lives of everyone involved.
That’s a bit dramatic for most day to day situations. While there are narcissicists among us, gaslighting is not likely the intent of most people. It’s self-preservation in an isolated moment because, well, no one likes to be wrong.
However, these are the moments when anyone can step into their own leadership: holding or accepting accountability. It happens often enough, you can practice.
Holding Others Accountable
If you’re the leader in these scenarios, it can be frustrating to work with team members who consistently push boundaries and deny truths just to be right.
This is why systems, processes, and structure are so important. With these in place, there becomes a standard that everyone is held accountable to and, therefore, when others color outside the lines, you can refer to the system rather than their mistakes.
Because let’s be honest, if someone says, “You’re right. I did say that.” What changes? You are where you are. Yes, the acknowledgement of the error is nice to have, but what you really want is progress on the project–at least at work.
For example, I had a colleague that declined my team’s support for a project within the recommended timeline for us to build all the assets and manage the campaign. She declined stating, “To be honest, I appreciate it, but I’ve got it under control. I don’t need your support.”
Four weeks later, the project wasn’t performing well. She came to the team and said that she really needed support–there were only two weeks left and the numbers were low. The team escalated to me because it was a last minute request.
“Yes, we can help, but with limited scope because of the time crunch and limited resources.” We pushed out the limited delivery assets for approval that day.
We get a response, “I don’t need your support. It’s already being advertised, but no one knows about the event.”
My jaw clenched. You literally called my team asking for support.
“Correct,” I said. “The legacy system is not set up for a full-scale campaign. It’s one posting on the website and posting in the eNewsletter. That’s it. We’re building a new system with omnichannel presence, but it does require a 6-week advanced notice. Hence, why we’ve been taking meetings for custom requests, which you previously declined. If you would like our support at this point, please approve below.”
I shouldn’t have said, “you previously declined.” I wanted to be vindicated because we offered everything she was asking for and were still getting pushback.
I didn’t show up in good leadership.
And, of course, I got a side of deflection and defensiveness with the approval across another four emails.
We all could have saved a lot of time if a) she would have just accepted that we gave her exactly what she asked for at that moment and b) if I hadn’t felt the need to remind her that she declined our support.
Accepting Accountability
If you’re the person that is wrong, take accountability. The best thing to say is, “You know what I did say that at the time, but now I recognize I need something different,” or “You’re right, I missed the timeline, but I’d like to make it right by getting it done by X.”
You also have to accept that in some cases, trust is broken. How many opportunities have you been given? How many times has the deadline been extended?
And that is where that pause comes in. Ask yourself, “Why am I being defensive? Did I make a decision that I now need to go back on? Did I miss a deadline? Am I getting what I need under the circumstances that I set in motion?”
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, miss deadlines, and make a decision that wasn’t right with the information we had at the time. The thing is that we have to be accountable for our role and not place the burden on someone else to fix the mistake. Instead, ask for help and collaboration under the new circumstances.
A Word about Overcommitment
I might add that overcommitment is something I observe in most corporate environments. We all seem to want forgiveness when we said yes too many times and now it is more work than one person can feasibly handle on the timeline.
Yeah, it’s hard to tell your boss, no, but it’s way worse to miss the mark because of overcommitment. Honest conversations about prioritization and deadlines are important. Leaders need to make it safe for team members to have that conversation and team members must bring solutions not just, “I can’t do that.” Instead, say, “I can absolutely complete that for you, but can we review the projects on my list and decide where this fits in priority order?”
In the age of AI, overcommitment is becoming an epidemic. AI can do a lot of things faster, but in the earliest stages of a project, AI needs to be “built” to suit the project. Just throwing it in AI without review is dangerous. AI governance is at nearly 0 percent for most organization. Hasty decisions around AI–overcommitting because you (or your boss) believes AI can just do it—could cost you more than a missed deadline. I’ve seen it.
Letting Go of the Need to Right
Other people don’t need to agree with reality for reality to be true.
While something may have actually happened (i.e., reality) and someone is acting as though it did not, it doesn't mean you need to pursue the truth at all costs. You can allow someone to cling to their version of the truth and still get to the goal (at least in business). While this gets murkier in daily life, the experience is data for future engagements.
Habits for Accountability
Make it a best practice to really listen and pause before responding.
If you are holding others accountable, you must hear what they said, and bring the conversation around to the system and objectives. Here’s where we are now. This is how we move forward–what do you want to do?
If you are accepting accountability, pause to look at the emotions showing up. What is your role in how you got here? What will make it right to get what you want or need for effective progress?
In both scenarios, “being right,” doesn’t solve the problem. Accepting the current facts and moving forward does.
Growth & Leadership
Roadblocks to growth often start at the top. As a leader of an organization, you have to hold yourself accountable as well as multiple levels of leadership. Systems, process and structure are essential to making this simple and effective for top level leaders and everyone down the line.
If this sounds like something that might help your organization move forward, book a consultation with Dani Cee of Confident Authority. Take 15 minutes for a quick chat or pull together your decision makers and book a full consultation.
